Monday, November 11, 2013

My Little Black Hole

A day. Just like any other day. I woke up, took the bus, had pizza during assembly hour, and had a few laughs on my way home on the bus. My biggest fear, and the thing that occupied my mind during the whole bus ride was: What if my brothers finish the koshary mom made for lunch? I couldn't think of anything else. I was jumping around from seat to seat, stealing everyone's gum, chocolate or chips - not a care in the world. The most exciting news I got all day was that my article was finally released on AUC Times, and I was going around bragging about it. I even took a picture of it and was planning to upload it once I got home. So I took the remaining copies my friends had for my loved ones to see, and stepped out of the bus. As I waved to my best friends, who would always wave to me from the window, I walked through a small garden, completely clueless of what I was about to encounter. 

It was nighttime, and that never bothered me because I take this road home every single day, and nothing ever happened. It's not even a straight, solid ground. It's like a mini garden, surrounded by a couple of small trees, and bushes on the right, filled with barbed wires. Too concerned with the wires on my right, I stuck to the left side of the sidewalk. I was in the middle of a conversation with two friends, who accompanied me on the way home when suddenly, I found myself underground. I almost fell into the sewer. Bel 3araby keda we2e3t f bala3a, and the only thing that kept me up is my bare hands. I stepped on what seemed to be a closed lid, and it cracked open, leaving me hanging in mid-air. I held onto the ground with my arms, and my thigh was pushed against the square-shaped wall. Thank God I had my friends walking next to me. They had to pull me out as I was in too much pain to pull myself up. I could tell this was an emergency by the way they rushed to me, and the looks on their faces. I was shocked way beyond the point where I could assess the situation and act accordingly. I just lay there in pain, waiting for them, for what seemed to be forever, to pull me up. I did not fully understand the consequences of what had happened until further along the night.

I never knew this was as huge as it actually is, but it makes me wonder a lot about life and how far I've come today. It makes me wonder, "How the hell am I supposed to take caution or prevent something like this from happening again?" I used to think if you're careful enough, you won't get yourself hurt, or at least get minimal damage. But what if that's not the way to do it? What am I doing wrong? Or right, for that matter.....

It scares me to death to think you can't control something, because I have been living all my life controlling how I act, how I feel, and how I perceive things. This manhole was not of any significance to me. It was just another hole in the ground. But that little deceitful, seemingly harmless hole could have cost me my whole life. And it had enough power to physically wound me. It had the power to influence the way I think. It had the power to keep me from leaving my house today in the first place. Did I see it coming? No, I still can't even process the fact that I could have been gone for good. I know I am always susceptible to any given harmful situation, but I never thought it could seem so trivial or so damn early.

So while I'm here, thinking about my little black hole, I want you to think about yours. Think about the little things. Because they are the only things that matter.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Close Your Eyes

Before you start reading, click here and let it play in the background: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQM5-Ks64is

Imagine yourself in your car right now, arms tightly grasping the wheel. Windows up, doors locked, seat-belt on. It's not safe outside, and you know it. Especially with all the street lights out; you can't see a thing, even with the headlights on. You've spent your entire life protecting yourself from harm. And you notice it...it starts to get to you. But you know that it's always better to be safe than sorry. Always thinking, "What if so and so happens?", "Why do this when I can just stay in my place?" The mere thought of it makes you shiver, and so you choose to let your ship stay in the dock.

But then there's this little voice inside of you that says, "Why not?" You slowly allow yourself to lay back, relaxing your shoulders and your neck. You check the mirrors, there's not a single car in sight, not even in front of you. You slide the windows down, the breeze freshens you up. Your body's sedated; you can't keep control of the wheel anymore. "What happens if I just let go......?"

You close your eyes, long enough to test the waters, and just let go. Bit by bit, you realize it's totally fine. You give it another shot. For a spit second, you forget yourself, your dreams, your life. Eyes wide shut, hands behind your head, going fast but steady. Music sinks in, you start imagining things, imagining people. You're taking in all the air - you can't hear yourself think anymore.

You can stay there for as long as you want, but sooner or later you will come back. What do you see? Streetlights, people, chaos. You smell garbage on the side of the road, dogs crossing the street making your heart skip a beat, cars flashing lights, swaying from side to side...."life". You pull your windows back up. You take a look at your phone, nothing's changed. Your smile turns to a frown, and your eyes can't "see" anymore. Same shit, different day.

But that's not the life I choose to be in. So every now and then, I will let go of the wheel, pull my windows down, close my eyes. And breathe.

Love,
FS

Out Loud : Interview with Farida Salem: preview

Out Loud : Interview with Farida Salem: preview: A few of the team members.  Photo courtesy: Nermin El Shimi The AUC women's soccer team have hardly been acknowledged enough on...

Friday, May 4, 2012

Who Are These People?

There is something so so beautiful about the random people in my world. And I'm not talking about my friends. You know, those irrelevant people in your life that you just don't understand how you're friends with, at all? Or if you're friends or just something else? Those people somehow keep me going everyday. Oddly enough, I cannot imagine my typical day to day life without them.

I can't even tell you how many they are, or how much I love them. All I know is that nothing separates me from those pieces of my soul. Age, gender, nationality, beliefs, nothing. I just love them, unconditionally. And time does not determine how much I love them either. I just do. I could love someone I met yesterday, and maybe start loving someone I met 3 years ago. That's just the beauty of their existence. They're just there. How I feel about them is not the point, it's how they make me feel. And I can't begin to describe how they make me feel, because it's just all too strange for me to comprehend just yet.

Am I losing my mind? Am I bored? Well, honestly I don't give a shit. I'm just glad I have those people in my life. And the worst part is waiting for them to leave, cause you know..they eventually do. But some of them shall remain for a while, I know it. And of course, others will come, for sure. But I'll always have a special place in my heart for those exotic people. Waiting for the day I finally realize that this is not the way to live my life.

But until then,

Love from FS

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Wide-Eyed Girl

A couple of days ago, this adorable little girl smiled at me. She was in her mommy's shopping cart, along with her older sister. She was wearing a blue, denim dress, was holding gum in her hand, and her eyes were sea-blue. Her hair was in the shape of a bowl put upside down. Okay, I'm bored of calling her "she" so I'll just call her Layla.

As Layla came closer to the cashier, she noticed the candy her mom was buying for her, and her face suddenly lit up. She started dancing and laughing, then the guy put them in the bag. Layla rapidly went from one mood to the other. Her face was so red, and she starting dropping a few tears, until eventually her mommy took her out of the shopping cart, and gave her some candy. I wanted to offer to help her out first, but she ignored me, so I helped her sister out.

Layla later continued to smile at me, and right before she left with her lovely family, she extended her tiny arm, and offered me a piece of Oreo; one that she was just about to eat. I just stood there, amazed by her beautiful soul. She was willing to give me a piece of what she wanted to get so badly, impatiently waiting in her cart for someone to give it to her. Me? A person she's never seen before in her life. I was in awe. Truly fascinated by the beauty of children; of their innocence, and their love for other people. Nowadays, if a friend, or maybe a sibling, asks you for a slice of the pizza you're having for lunch, you'd eat him alive.

Now, I know you're wondering if I took it or not, well I didn't. But if I did, I would've kept it, wrapped up, forever. Such a beautiful moment. She never took her smile off. I saw other people looking at her, smiling and then looking away, putting their neutral faces back on. But I just couldn't hold my smile back. And I couldn't look away, I mean, I wanted that moment to last for as much as it could. Something so pure and so strong in such a tiny body. Just like that, my whole day was more cheerful that it ever could be. Right before that small incident, I had had a fight with a family member and was in the worst mood ever. That little angel managed to turn my whole day around.

I seriously want something that would keep my soul alive like that on a daily basis. There must be something I could do, someone I could see. I shall find out soon enough.

But until then,

Love from FS

Friday, April 27, 2012

Sunglasses

So a friend of mine asked me today what my "theme" for the blog is, and it just hit me. People are going to be coming in, expecting things from this blog now. I mean, I came here with the intention of confusing you people, not giving you straightforward shit. I hope YOU're not expecting anything.

Anyway, I just had the most random thought this morning, while I was having breakfast with two awesome people. I realized that when we're out with someone, especially with ones you really feel connected to, you kind of expect something memorable to happen. But at the same time, things are going pretty normal. Like when you have your sunglasses on, you see and feel things in a certain way, you take them off and suddenly a whole new feeling takes over. You following?

I mean, things may seem very dull and ordinary to you at one moment, and then suddenly something crazy happens and you laugh your heart out, forever remembering that incident. This is the beauty of good company. The most important thing is you don't force it.  And the most awesome part is that it happens every single time. Or maybe I'm just lucky.

But don't worry, I'm not always this lucky. Sometimes, the most fun I could have during a slow day is putting the right flasher on (on purpose) while driving, when the road is obviously heading to the right (no other options) so that the car behind me would think I'm a total idiot, and I would laugh at myself for a sec. Oh yeah, this is how bad it gets.

Speaking of, I've always wondered if it would be possible for anyone to enjoy traffic? I mean, why's everybody in such a hurry. You'll get there when you get there! When I'm late to an appointment (which is all the time), I usually set a new, much later, appointment in my head. I only start freaking out if I'm late for both. And what's with the horns? For God's sake they're not made to be used 24/7!

Okay, I'm good. I'm actually not, but it's okay. Life is good. And that's all that matters. Would change a million things, if I could.

But until then,

Love from FS

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Hello World, Hope You're Reading

I'm very intimidated by what I'm about to write, launching my first blog post. Because I'm prone to lose control of the things I might say, on a regular basis, to you guys. I don't know how this "should" go, so I'll improvise. And I want you to know, to start with, that many of the things I may say are going to be vague, so you can all relate to them in a way that makes you comfortable. I will also use some of my "Free Writing" methods, that may juggle you from one state of mind to the next, so quickly. But don't panic, it's good for you. So refreshing.

I thought about checking out other blogs before I start my own, just to get an idea of how they're supposed to be n shit. But I thought I'd play with you all a bit, give you a taste of my twisted mind.

But enough about me, let's talk about me. I've been wanting to create a blog for a very long time now. I made the decision recently because of Shorty, a beautiful person whom I love and respect. And I hope you enjoy the ride. I write a lot. I have almost 34,000 posts on Twitter! I know, save it. I just like to pour my heart out to strangers. I'm cool like that. 

So, have you ever wondered what would happen if you just....

Never mind.

Holding back my thoughts again. Isn't it just sad, how much we keep to ourselves? And for what? Fear? Pride? Ignorance?

I will keep doing this until I can't hold them back anymore. And until you all believe that I'm not mentally stable.

But until then,

Love from FS